Here is the next part in a (loose) series on relationships: we started with how to find a partner, then how to commit. This one is about how, once you’ve committed, you can make the relationship succeed.
I love being right
When someone disagrees with me—even if it’s my amazing wife Charlotte—my first instinct is to view it as a challenge: they argued their side, now it’s incumbent upon me to defend my side. We are then supposed to go back-and-forth until whoever’s side is more right, wins.
As anyone who has been in a relationship knows, it almost never works that way. Research from the Gottman institute shows that the “four horseman” that herald the end of a relationship (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) are in turn predicted by spouses wanting to win arguments rather than accept the other person’s influence.1
Similarly, a series of studies at Northwestern demonstrated that “accommodating” (resisting the urge to respond in a retaliatory or defensive way) predicts greater relationship satisfaction.
To summarize the research: when you “win” an argument with someone you love, you both lose—it erodes the relationship.
(Of course, there are plenty of disagreements that can be extremely productive to hash out, and which will result in a clear outcome or decision. When I say “argument” in this post I mean specifically the disagreements that are hostile or repetitive. It’s the difference between “are we both trying to find the right solution” versus “am I trying to prevail”.)
The Love Demon
In The End of the Affair, novelist Graham Greene2 writes:
I have known so intimately the way that demon works in my imagination… He would prompt our quarrels long before they occurred: he was not Sarah’s enemy so much as the enemy of love, and isn’t that what the devil is supposed to be? I can imagine that if there existed a God who loved, the devil would be driven to destroy even the weakest, the most faulty imitation of that love. Wouldn’t he be afraid that the habit of love might grow, and wouldn’t he try to trap us all into being traitors, into helping him extinguish love?
In other words: there is a demon that is trapping you into extinguishing your own love. Charlotte and I have taken to calling it “the Love Demon.” The Love Demon hates love. It seizes any opportunity it gets to destroy it.
Every time we begin to argue, I try to remember to stop myself and imagine a little Love Demon stoking the flames. If she or I “wins” the argument, the Love Demon dances in triumph. But if either of us accommodates the other, we have collectively defeated our adversary—he shrinks in dismay.
This framework has proven so helpful. The main benefits are:
It reframes losing – “Giving in” to your spouse is no longer losing; it’s winning (defeating the Love Demon).
It puts you on the same team – It’s no longer me against you; we are now united against a common enemy.
It externalizes the culprit – We are no longer trying to determine whose personal flaw is at fault for this argument; it’s now an outside force.
It harnesses the rush of competition – I’m still competitive; I just now play on a team sport (with Charlotte) against the Love Demon. Every time we defeat it, I get the mini-thrill of scoring points.
Your assignment
Teach your significant other about the Love Demon. Together, come up with some way to remind yourselves during any argument that it is the real enemy. Let me know what you learn from the experience!
And for the record: I still love being right. But I now think it’s more important to be in love than to be right.
I do have my own criticisms of the Gottmans’ research… I think it’s somewhat shoddy, and often misapplied. But we’ll save that for another time!
Other than this fantastic quote, I wouldn’t recommend the book overall. Sorry the citations are such downers this time!