What do most people look for in a boyfriend/girlfriend or potential spouse? According to survey data, the top qualities are: kindness, intelligence, physical attractiveness. (Emotional maturity, financial stability, and sense of humor also sometimes make the cut.) I think these are missing an incredibly important—perhaps the most important—trait to look for…
Share this knowledge with someone who could use it.
First, imagine being married to someone who is perpetually unhappy. Nothing you do can help them. They are like a bottomless pit: no matter how much love, time, and energy you put into the relationship, none of it makes them happy.
That’s a double whammy:
It’s unpleasant to constantly be around someone miserable (unhappiness is contagious), and
it is no longer possible to succeed in one of your major life goals (to make your spouse happy).
I presume few people are in this exact situation, fortunately—it’s an extreme example intended to illustrate a broader point: look for someone whom you are capable of making happy.
Of course, that means finding someone you are compatible with. Perhaps some of your habits that would bother one person delight another; certainly aim for someone whom your natural self delights!
Beyond that, there’s a more general question to ask: Is this a mostly happy person? Many psychological studies show that self-reported happiness remains mostly constant over time. Meaning, if someone is happy now, it’s likely they will continue to be happy when in a good relationship; if not, it’s unlikely.
Some important caveats:
Of course, it’s possible that someone is unhappy now but if they end up in the right relationship (i.e., with you) they will become happy.
Just because someone is unhappy it doesn’t make them undeserving of love.
And yet, unless there’s a compelling reason to do so (i.e., you are already in love), why set yourself up for an uphill battle? If you are starting your search from scratch, might as well aim for someone happy.
P.S. I think this same logic applies to friends—and even colleagues. You can surround yourself with happy people, which will make your own life much better.
Today’s topic is no coincidence… because you are capable of making me happy (right now)!
After years of teaching my Adulting 101 course at Boston College, and years of writing and going through the publication process, my book is on sale TODAY.
As I previously wrote, I am on a mission with it. I think many people’s lives would be so much better if they had read this book early in their twenties. Now, we can spread that knowledge to millions of people.
To join in this mission, it would make me so happy if you would:
Gift the book to someone else—ideally, someone who is soon graduating from college, or is only a few years into their post-school life.
Post about the book on social media. (I don’t generally like social media, but I do like spreading knowledge, so let’s use it for good!) Feel free to use this template:
One thing I wished I had known in my twenties is [FILL IN THIS BLANK WITH YOUR OWN THING]
There is so much that school never taught us—about personal finance, mental health, relationships, and careers—that we need to know in order to be thriving grown ups.
Note: I promise this blog will not turn into one continuous book advertisement. I’ll continue using this Substack to write and share new ideas that I hope you find helpful!
I'd never thought about this, but you're 100% right. Who would want to be married to a Debbie or Danny Downer?
Purchased! I hope you’re happy :)