With joy

Plus, a special announcement 10 years in the making

My brother went through a family tragedy. He and I decided to make something good come of it—and to strengthen our bond—by studying a Jewish text together, once per week, (nearly) without fail. Over the course of one year, we read the entire Tanya, a book that seeks to make practical the mysticism of the Kabbalah.

A key lesson in the Tanya begins with a parable. There are two wrestlers. One is lazy and sluggish due to being despondent, the other is joyful. All else being equal, who do you think will win?

If a wrestler feels joyful—perhaps he is excited about the sport, or the thrill of competition—he will approach the contest with energy. He will be able to defeat even an opponent who is stronger.

Similarly, if you are joyful, you will tackle your day with enthusiasm, and be much more effective at everything you’re doing. Think of something as mundane as writing an email: do you write a better email when you’re cranky or frustrated or stressed, or do you write a better email when you are happy and excited?

That may make sense intuitively, but what if you’re just not feeling joyful?

I don’t think it matters, because: joy is not a passive feeling, it's a choice.

There are always plenty of reasons to be joyful, and there are always plenty of reasons not to be. You can choose, in any moment, to think of the reasons why you should be happy: what are you grateful for? what do you have going for you?

Many studies show that something as simple as thinking of what you are grateful for can change your mood. That’s because your emotions arise as a result of your thoughts; so if you think differently, you can feel differently. (It’s an insight as old as time, discussed in Stoic philosophy and Buddhism, and validated with modern-day psychology such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.)

Some might protest, labeling this with a term that has recently become popular: “toxic positivity.” Toxic positivity typically means denying your negative emotions, aiming to override them with positive ones.

Yet joy can exist alongside negative emotions. You can be feeling terrible about a recent rejection, and also think of some of the small, good things that happened to you that day—in order to invite joy as a companion to your misery.

If the joy lives alongside the misery, will it ever win out? Will it make you happy?

That’s the wrong question! Joy is not the goal, it’s a means to an end.

As I wrote previously, I think your life is about a lot more than just being happy in the moment. Pursuing all the various sources of meaning you are seeking takes effort, and, as we learned above, that effort will be a lot more impactful if you are full of vigor.

So, the next time you need to do something important, you can pause. Recognize your feelings, then invite joy as a companion to them—by thinking of any reasons you have to be happy. Then marvel as the joy transforms you into someone stronger than yourself, a wrestler who can best even the toughest of adversaries.

---

I wanted to keep today’s post short to make room for a personal announcement.

And so, not displacing but rather existing alongside my emotions of trepidation, fear of judgment, and more… it is full of joy that I share: my book, How to Be a Grown Up, is being published by Chronicle Books in March 2025.

You may have noticed I renamed this blog accordingly!

Why a book?

I’ll answer your question with another question: Isn't it crazy that you are required by law to pay your taxes, but no one ever taught you how?

And isn’t it crazy that there are some basic things you can do, inside your own mind (right now!), to make you more content—and yet you learned ancient history instead of them? Isn’t it crazy that there are a few simple techniques to ace your first job, and build a career, that no one tells you before you begin working? Isn’t it crazy that most people live their lives on autopilot, striving to achieve things that others expect of them, without determining for themselves what matters?

This book will start twentysomethings on that journey. The journey to becoming a grownup, for which they have been lacking some fundamental knowledge and skills. This book is their guide to the real world, their reassuring friend, their no-nonsense teacher—the one every thirty year old wishes they had in their twenties.

That’s seven months away, why so long?

Oh, you have no idea. My first draft was actually done seven months ago—but the publication process takes a long time. There are edits, copyedits, design, graphics, marketing, etc.

It’s actually been even longer in the making: 5 years ago was my last semester teaching the Adulting 101 course I created at Boston College. 7 years ago is when the first student walked into my career coaching office and asked questions that sparked the idea for the course. 10 years ago is when I first embarked on startups in mental health (to teach cognitive behavioral therapy) and personal finance (to teach investing)—marveling at how necessary, yet infrequently taught, these topics are.

Why Chronicle?

Chronicle Books, a top-10 publisher in the US, is known especially for two things:

1. They make beautiful books. This is particularly important for How to Be a Grown Up because the material (which covers everything from investing to careers to dating) requires lots of charts and illustrations. Writing and teaching are my strong suits; graphics are not! Thankfully the talented team at Chronicle has already transformed my ugly sketches into vibrant pictures.

2. They have wide distribution to boutique stores all over the country. We plan to have this book be in every university book store and every gift shop—to make it the graduation gift of the 2025 season (and the 2026 season, and hopefully every season thereafter).

How can I help?

There are so many young people whose lives can be improved by the knowledge in the book… but that won’t happen if they never find out about it. I’ve been told that “Gen Z doesn’t read anymore,” which is not true (great books aimed at twentysomethings such as The Defining Decade are perennial bestsellers). Rather, it’s just about finding ways for them (and family gift-givers) to hear about it.

Perhaps you work at a university and have a way to gift it to graduates, or at a company that can bulk buy it for young employees, or you know podcast hosts and Gen Z influencers who can help spread the message. Every little bit (including preordering a copy) will help. If you are willing, just send me an email saying you can help.

Why would I want to help?

I’ll admit: I think most nonfiction books are vanity projects. Typically the author is trying to make a name or a career for himself.

Thankfully, I already have a job I love, and I certainly didn’t write this book for the money. (Ohhh boy let me tell you… for the number of hours I put in, I could have made more money from working at McDonald’s or becoming—as my parents always warned I would if I didn’t study hard and get good grades in school—a tollbooth operator on the New Jersey Turnpike.)

My motivation is: twentysomethings are better educated than ever, yet more lost than ever. The United States is facing a loneliness crisis, a mental health crisis, a debt crisis (non-mortgage personal debt totals $5 trillion), and a crisis of meaning. What they are most lacking is knowledge.

I have condensed this knowledge, based on years of relevant expertise and teaching, into 14 pithy, readable chapters that are practical and fun. Now we just need to make sure they get into the hands of the people who need them most. That is the mission.