Stop looking for yourself
You are not Carmen Sandiego
When I was a kid, we all loved a computer game called Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? You would travel the world looking for this classy thief named Carmen Sandiego, learning about a new country in the process, and once you found her, you won.
In my twenties, I felt like I was having déjà vu: everyone was once again playing Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?, but with themselves.
“I’m traveling across the country to find myself.”
“I’m spending a year in South America to discover myself.”
Or, as a twentysomething said to me recently:
“How can I start dating seriously? I don’t know who I want to marry; I don’t even know who I am yet.”
Of course you know who you are. And you know exactly where to find yourself: right here.
At the time when twentysomethings should most be leaning into their next life phase, they often take a step back. Sometimes that’s travel, sometimes it’s a “career break,” sometimes it’s a pause from relationships.
Of course, periods of reflection can be valuable in moderation. But the best way to learn about what you want comes from data. And you can only obtain that data through action. For example:
You are much more likely to learn about what kind of career you want by getting a job, and seeing what you like and dislike about it, than by taking a career break.
You are much more likely to learn about what type of person you want to marry by dating and getting to know someone very well, than by having short hookups and flings.
And you are much more likely to learn about what you value in life by starting to live those values, than by shying away from them because you aren’t 100% certain what they are.
You’ll never be certain. The goal here not to “reach maturity”—it’s to experiment. You learn one thing about yourself, then you adjust your course by five degrees. That iteration may be a lifelong project.
I’m not against travel; I think it can be educational, even profound. I’m also not against an occasional pause or vacation or sabbatical; some things you can only learn by turning inward. I’m against endlessly deferring your life, hoping epiphany will strike at the top of a mountain in Nepal or in a nightclub in Ibiza.
You won’t “find” who you are somewhere else. Who you are will be revealed to you, day by day, once you start living your real life.
Do you disagree with this? Have a personal experience related to the topic? Or any other thoughts that you think twentysomethings should know?
Write your ideas down, and don’t forget to register here for the Grown Up Contest by August 1.
